Urrrgh!

Why didn't I wait till Sunday.  A negative test today has shot my confidence.  I know it could still be too early, but now I'm really starting to think this was all in my head.  Oh I hope my boobs don't hurt this bad every month, cause if its just for my period, this sucks.  So confused.  Plus I'm doing weight watchers, and feel like I'm starving.  I keep thinking what if I am pregnant and not taking in enough for the baby.  Well I only have one test left, so it's Sunday or nothing!

To Be or Not To Be?

I hate the waiting game.  When you think you could be pregnant, but it is too soon to show up on a test.  I went through this when I was pregnant with Braden.  I knew I was pregnant even though the first test was negative.  Sure enough a week later- positive.  I knew my body so well then.  But since then, there have been several times I was convinced I was pregnant, and I wasn't.  I think I just want it so much, my mind convinces my body to have symptoms.  I don't know.  I really feel like I am, but I just don't know.  I took a test yesterday and it was negative, but my period isn't due until next Thursday.  I'm going to retest Sunday, but the wait is killing me.  So is keeping this to myself.  Nobody believes me when I say I think I'm pregnant anymore.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but my breasts have hurt since Saturday, and I have off and on being feeling really nauseous.  I'm not going to say anything to anyone until after I retest Sunday.  If I am pregnant, I just going to hand my husband a card.  I hope I can find one about being a new father.  I have an 11 year old from my first marriage, and Tommy is a great dad to him, but losing Braden killed him.  I know I just have to put it in God's hands and He will give me a child when it is time.  The waiting is just hard.

Way behind

So I am a horrible blogger.  I kept meaning to write more, and it seems I can never find the time.  I feel behind in everything.  Well I have now officially made it past Braden's first birthday.  Although the week of was rough, the day was way more peaceful than I anticipated.  I had my sad moments, but I felt good about how we honored my sweet boy.  We released balloons with cards attached telling a little about Braden and with our name and address so they could be mailed back to us.  We actually got one back from 340 miles away.  We had a monkey cupcake cake and donated a box to the hospital.  I spent so much time on that box.  I was really proud of how it turned out.  I had been feeling pretty good since then, until this weekend.  This was a sad, sad couple of days.  Yardsaling, and seeing a monkey toy box and baby clothes started the sadness.  My nephew's birthday party on the anniversary of Braden's scheduled c-section topped it off.  One more anniversary this month- June 19, his original due date, then all the first anniversaries should be over.  On to the second ones I guess.  On a happier note, we have found a house to rent, finally!  Can't wait to finally be on our own together.  Tommy and I have actually never lived alone together before.  We have been staying with my parents since Tommy got out of the Air Force, until we could find a place to live.  I am nervous and excited.  I hope Christian, my 11year old does ok with the move.  He has autism had lived with only me and my parents for a long time.  I can't wait for it to be our own little family.  Now here's hoping we can add a little brother or sister to the mix.  I know we need to wait awhile with the move and all, but I'm impatient!  I just don't want Christian to be alone anymore.