A Whole New World

Well we have moved in our house.  I still don't have everything moved in yet.  That is going to be a slow process (how do I have so much junk).  I love being in our first home together.  Christian is so excited.  We are finally getting him to sleep in his room.  He hasn't been coming to get in bed with us till 4-6 in the morning.  Yeah!  I had been feeling really good- until today.  I wish people would think before they speak sometimes.  My friend called me while I was grocery shopping and asked if I could sign her daughter up for the baby contest for Pioneer Days.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I told her I wasn't going to the baby contest and awkard silence ensued.  To top it off, so many people in my life are turning up pregnant.  People who are awful moms and don't deserve the kids they have let alone another one.  I get too jealous and bitter.  I hate feeling this way.  I don't like hating every pregnant girl. 

I'm going to focus on making through this day.  Can't wait till my bible study Saturday.  I love the amazing women I have met through the baby loss community.  They are my kindred spirits- the only ones who understand me now.  It's funny how I feel so much closer to women that I have never met than to friends I have had for 15 years.  I have decided to wait to try getting pregnant until I lose a little more weight.  I've lost almost 25 so far in 2 months, so if I can lose another 25, maybe I can try at the end of September or October.  I think right now I am just feeling a peace (most days) that I haven't felt in a long time.  Sure the moving in stressful- and the cleaning.  But there is something so amazing about it finally being Tommy, Christian, and me- just the three of us.  I love my family.  I mean there is a part of me that is dying waiting to try and conceive, but I know the more weight I lose, the healthier it would be for a baby and less chance of the baby being so big.  Well off to do laundry and hopefully watch Pretty Little Liars (I have been waiting all week).

Changes

Well I'm not pregnant.  I have to say, I said I wasn't getting my hopes up, but I was really disappointed.  This has been a rough two weeks.  So many memories brought up last week......   Going to the hospital with Abbie, sitting in the waiting room for her catscan, remembering waiting there just a little over a year ago for my biophysical profile.  The day I found out Braden was gone.  My new Bible study is harder than I thought it would be.  I didn't realize how many emotions would be brought up again.  I'm sure it is going to help in the long run, but I'm an emotional wreck right now.  I don't understand, I was doing so well, and now so many days are just filled with sadness again. 

I was remembering Braden's funeral today and thinking about Christian putting his arms around me and holding me.  I know I have been to impatient and short with him.  I hugged him today tighter and longer than I have in a long time.  I get so caught up in missing Braden and what I am missing, I know I am missing out with Christian.

We are officially moving.  I'm excited and I'm scared.  I can't wait to have my own home, but I'm afraid of being able to make it financially, as well as how we are all going to do on our own.  I'm afraid of how my marriage is going to do when it's just us.  We aren't the same people we used to be, and sometimes I wonder if new us really loves each other.  I'm scared to even say that out loud.  I know we used to be so in love, but I'm scared that has been lost.  I also feel so sad leaving all of Braden's things.  I will take my mementos and plaques and things, but his nursery, clothes, toys, everything else I will be leaving behind.  I should be moving all of his things with us.  I should be making a new room for him.  He should be with us.  Lord I miss him so much.  My heart feels so empty so broken. 

I'm going to start trying ovulation kits tomorrow.  I know we won't get pregnant right away, I just hope it doesn't take more than a few months.  That's probably wishful thinking on my part, but I know God has great things in store for us. 

Urrrgh!

Why didn't I wait till Sunday.  A negative test today has shot my confidence.  I know it could still be too early, but now I'm really starting to think this was all in my head.  Oh I hope my boobs don't hurt this bad every month, cause if its just for my period, this sucks.  So confused.  Plus I'm doing weight watchers, and feel like I'm starving.  I keep thinking what if I am pregnant and not taking in enough for the baby.  Well I only have one test left, so it's Sunday or nothing!

To Be or Not To Be?

I hate the waiting game.  When you think you could be pregnant, but it is too soon to show up on a test.  I went through this when I was pregnant with Braden.  I knew I was pregnant even though the first test was negative.  Sure enough a week later- positive.  I knew my body so well then.  But since then, there have been several times I was convinced I was pregnant, and I wasn't.  I think I just want it so much, my mind convinces my body to have symptoms.  I don't know.  I really feel like I am, but I just don't know.  I took a test yesterday and it was negative, but my period isn't due until next Thursday.  I'm going to retest Sunday, but the wait is killing me.  So is keeping this to myself.  Nobody believes me when I say I think I'm pregnant anymore.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but my breasts have hurt since Saturday, and I have off and on being feeling really nauseous.  I'm not going to say anything to anyone until after I retest Sunday.  If I am pregnant, I just going to hand my husband a card.  I hope I can find one about being a new father.  I have an 11 year old from my first marriage, and Tommy is a great dad to him, but losing Braden killed him.  I know I just have to put it in God's hands and He will give me a child when it is time.  The waiting is just hard.

Way behind

So I am a horrible blogger.  I kept meaning to write more, and it seems I can never find the time.  I feel behind in everything.  Well I have now officially made it past Braden's first birthday.  Although the week of was rough, the day was way more peaceful than I anticipated.  I had my sad moments, but I felt good about how we honored my sweet boy.  We released balloons with cards attached telling a little about Braden and with our name and address so they could be mailed back to us.  We actually got one back from 340 miles away.  We had a monkey cupcake cake and donated a box to the hospital.  I spent so much time on that box.  I was really proud of how it turned out.  I had been feeling pretty good since then, until this weekend.  This was a sad, sad couple of days.  Yardsaling, and seeing a monkey toy box and baby clothes started the sadness.  My nephew's birthday party on the anniversary of Braden's scheduled c-section topped it off.  One more anniversary this month- June 19, his original due date, then all the first anniversaries should be over.  On to the second ones I guess.  On a happier note, we have found a house to rent, finally!  Can't wait to finally be on our own together.  Tommy and I have actually never lived alone together before.  We have been staying with my parents since Tommy got out of the Air Force, until we could find a place to live.  I am nervous and excited.  I hope Christian, my 11year old does ok with the move.  He has autism had lived with only me and my parents for a long time.  I can't wait for it to be our own little family.  Now here's hoping we can add a little brother or sister to the mix.  I know we need to wait awhile with the move and all, but I'm impatient!  I just don't want Christian to be alone anymore.

The journey begins

Well here is my first ever post on my first ever blog.  I'm starting this a little late.  I lost Braden over 10 months ago now, but there are so many things I want to say that I just can't to other people.  I think that coming up on Braden's birthday is causing this sense of dread in me.  First there's Easter, then the anniversary of my baby shower, then Mother's Day, then Memorial Day (so many things around that time- that whole weekend centers around knowing something was wrong, but being told he was ok), June 1st- the last time I heard his heartbeat and felt him move, then June 2- his birthday-the day he died-all wrapped into one, then Father's Day.  So much in two months time frame.  I keep thinking that once I make it past those dates, it will be easier- I'm hoping.  His headstone was finally put up two days ago.  We decorated it yesterday for Easter.  I'm glad it is finally there, but it definately felt so final.  It turned out beautiful- just what I wanted for him.  I'm not that computer savvy when it comes to blogging, so I guess this will be a learn as I go experience.  I think it's going to be theraputic though!