Changes

Well I'm not pregnant.  I have to say, I said I wasn't getting my hopes up, but I was really disappointed.  This has been a rough two weeks.  So many memories brought up last week......   Going to the hospital with Abbie, sitting in the waiting room for her catscan, remembering waiting there just a little over a year ago for my biophysical profile.  The day I found out Braden was gone.  My new Bible study is harder than I thought it would be.  I didn't realize how many emotions would be brought up again.  I'm sure it is going to help in the long run, but I'm an emotional wreck right now.  I don't understand, I was doing so well, and now so many days are just filled with sadness again. 

I was remembering Braden's funeral today and thinking about Christian putting his arms around me and holding me.  I know I have been to impatient and short with him.  I hugged him today tighter and longer than I have in a long time.  I get so caught up in missing Braden and what I am missing, I know I am missing out with Christian.

We are officially moving.  I'm excited and I'm scared.  I can't wait to have my own home, but I'm afraid of being able to make it financially, as well as how we are all going to do on our own.  I'm afraid of how my marriage is going to do when it's just us.  We aren't the same people we used to be, and sometimes I wonder if new us really loves each other.  I'm scared to even say that out loud.  I know we used to be so in love, but I'm scared that has been lost.  I also feel so sad leaving all of Braden's things.  I will take my mementos and plaques and things, but his nursery, clothes, toys, everything else I will be leaving behind.  I should be moving all of his things with us.  I should be making a new room for him.  He should be with us.  Lord I miss him so much.  My heart feels so empty so broken. 

I'm going to start trying ovulation kits tomorrow.  I know we won't get pregnant right away, I just hope it doesn't take more than a few months.  That's probably wishful thinking on my part, but I know God has great things in store for us.